Psychotherapist and Divorce Coach

Every Day, a Little Better Way

Renee Fagan — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:14:37 +0000

     I noticed this morning that as I reached for my contact lens case, it was in my medicine cabinet, the way it always is. That is, the way it’s been for the last 7 months. Prior to that, it was placed every night on the top of the toilet bowl tank… every night for at least 13 years. When we renovated the bathroom I had made a decision to simply place the case in the cabinet in an effort to keep surfaces clear and orderly. Prior to that, in another house, it used to be on the toilet bowl tank, also for many years.
     That’s a lot of years of doing something ritualistically that I changed just because it made better sense to me, it appealed to me, my motivation was high and it was easy; a new bathroom deserved special attention. I guess I made note of it today because, in the spirit of a New Year and all of the emphasis on resolutions and new behavior, I observed how easy it was to make a change that meant something to me, as tiny as it was.
     In his book, One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way, (a small, powerful read), Robert Maurer talks about kaizen, the Japanese word that denotes continuous improvement in small, steady steps. This process empowers people to make changes that are incremental, manageable, and meaningful. These are the changes that don’t trigger anxiety or have the brain shut-down and go into protective mode or defeat, vs. being in open, optimistic learning mode.
     So, in the spirit of the New Year, what are the small, tiniest of changes that you can make today that would leave you feeling hopeful, empowered and successful? What is something you could absolutely commit to because it is something that is meaningful and small enough that you really can do it?
     The truth is that the lens case was just the beginning – I got rid of oodles of shampoo bottles and all the silly accumulations and clutter that happen over time and, in short order, totally de-simplified that room. It became effortless, one success building on another.
     And that’s what change is.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along

Renee Fagan — Thu, 19 May 2011 15:45:29 +0000

I have recently been dealing with a persistent back issue. My decision initally was to go “alternative” seeking the help of acupuncturists, chiropractors, therapeutic massage. This decision came from 2 distinct desires; one was to back my belief that eastern medicine has tremendous merit (although I’m no longer sure that chiro and acupuncture can still be considered eastern) and, to avoid an MRI and EMG at all costs……horrible claustrophob that I am.
Well, in this quest I found it absolutely fascinating that as evolved as I had hoped the helping professions had become, it was not….at all….. collaborative. The acupuncturists were suspicious of the chiropractors, the chiropractors were mutually suspicious of the acupuncturists, both had STRONG disdain for the medical profession. And, when I finally had to break down and see a medical doctor, he had nothing good to say about them either, unless it was a Doctor providing the chiropractic or acupuncture… Now, in this quest of mine, I wound up seeing A LOT of people and it was the same, no matter where I went. Each specialty was highly suspect of the next. Each specialty was convinced that the other was desparate to hold on to their patient, at all costs. Each specialty accused the other of either stealing patients or being terrified of losing patients if they were more open to working in conjunction with another specialist. Frankly, it’s been pretty appalling and disappointing. I had mistakenly hoped that we had evolved further.
I’m a well informed patient able to navigate lots of different systems to get my needs met and I had a very daunting time finding who to entrust to my goal of getting me better.
The irony is that if all the specialties that are involved in helping people in pain could openly and honestly work together, there’s really plenty of work to go around. It would be mutually profitable and it would offer patients the best choices available. When you’re dealing with illness or pain, the LAST thing you want to do is deal with “drama” and the “politics” of getting better.

Fake It Till You Make It

Renee Fagan — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 15:36:49 +0000

In coaching I’m struck by how desperately people want to make changes in their lives but are convinced they have to “feel’ differently first before they can make the change. Most often it doesn’t occur that way. It really comes down to showing up in the world “as if” this new persona is already fully in existence.

This is not an easy task; it involves a leap of faith, a belief that anything is possible, and that getting out of your head and listening to all the bad advice in there is only going to get you what you’ve always gotten.

Feelings follow experience, not the reverse. So showing up in the world as the possibility of who you can be and living from there will actually shift the reality; your world, the world of people, places and things will become significantly affected. This, in turn, will make it much easier for you to start REALLY getting what you want.

People, in general, are much bigger than they realize. Their feelings and view of themselves are determined by past experiences and a very limited belief of what is possible in the future. Whether this is about money or love or business, the positive perspective of what the future holds defines how you live and feel in the present.

Intuition vs Ego

Renee Fagan — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:50:30 +0000

How do you know the difference between your intuition, the inner knowing vs the voices and tapes that play in your head that are often filled with limiting beliefs and fear-filled advice?

Joan Borysenko, a world renownded psychologist and Harvard researcher noted in her book,”Pocketful of Miracles” eloquently states the following:
“Discerning the wisdom of intuition-communications from your Higher Self-from the insistent wants and fears of the ego requires patient observation. Intuition speaks gently and without fireworks. It doesn’t get involved in the twin trap of ego: attachments and aversions. When ego masquerades as intuition, the communication is more likely to feel scary or to ignite desires or to puff you up so that you feel full of yourself.”

Upon feeling that you are getting an intuitive hit, she goes on to say, “…ask a simple yes or no question: ‘Am I supposed to pay attention to this message?’ Notice any changes in physical sensation. A sense of peace, love, or warmth is generally a yes. No response, or mounting anxiety is likely to be a no. Keep track of the messages, the physical responses, and the outcome of situations to which the messages pertained. In time, you will be reliably aware of the difference between ego and intuition.”
Meditation and the ability to quietly sit with yourself is the gateway to following your intuition, your compass.

Teen suicides rise in a dangerous time

Renee Fagan — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:15:39 +0000

Within the past few weeks, suicide has been in highlighted in the news with several celebrities, and children of taking their own lives. Suicide.org reports that, in this country, a teen takes their life every 100 minutes.

Anxiety and depression is being seen in younger and younger ages, even as young as 3. In a fast moving world where being grounded and connected to others in a meaningful way is harder and harder to accomplish, young people are having a harder time being able to understand that sadness is transitory and ” a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Recently a colleague shared an innovative website with me that is both clever, catchy, and could be a source of information to others struggling with sadness and thoughts of suicide.

Please check it out and share; www.lifelinegallery.org

The difficulties of the Greek Chorus in Collaborative Divorce

Renee Fagan — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:08:39 +0000

Everyone has an opinion. Whether it’s politics, or who makes the best burgers to the best rock band of all time, we are opinionated and invested in having others “see it” the same way. This is quite the subject when it comes to divorce.
Whether it is the personal tragedy of someone else’s divorce or the friend of the friend of the friend, there seems to be a black and white viewpoint; they either “did really well” or got “really screwed.” And, depending on the sex of the person you’re talking to, that’s the sex that “got screwed.” Then there’s the sentiment of having to get the shark; the lawyer who is going to pulverize the opposing spouse. There’s the local gossip mill of which attorney is the “best” and what it’s going to cost you and what you’re entitled to, and the posturing and getting into attack mode; it’s all about getting ready for war and just about everyone has a war story.
In the world of collaborative divorce, this can serve to be a huge obstacle in keeping the couple focused and at the table. How often have I heard one of the spouses lamenting that in their quest to be civilized, there was a host of well-meaning friends and family whispering in their ear(perhaps more a dull roar) that they could do better in litigation, that they were being too nice when they really should have their guns out? I’ve witnessed the process undermined and derailed by the loving presence of family erroding the confidence of the spouse who is already fatigued, bereft with sadness and in shock. How enticing it can be to believe that maybe others know best and to let the burly lawyer fight the fight for them. One of the biggest issues that collaborative professionals face is that collaborative divorce is in it’s infancy. Aside from the press that Robin Williams gave the process through his successful divorce, it is not well known. It’s on the cutting edge and what is new and unknown is suspect. It’s also sometimes seen as “new-agey” touchy-feely, when big guns are really called for.
As professionals who are trying to “get the word out” about the integrity of collaborative divorce, we need to be mindful of the effect on the couple of all the nay-sayers. What fear is being triggered by the “greek chorus’ ” input? Are they getting away from pursuing what they feel they will need and becoming dug-in to an entitlement stance by everyone else’s comments? We can do that by encouraging an open dialogue with them as their questions and doubts come up. Directing them to relevant, appropriate information such as the Collaborative Divorce website, www.collaborativepractice.com , which is filled with information and inspiring testimonials. As we empower our clients to get through the process, we can also assist them in dealing with the people in their world who may lovingly want to help them get to the goal line without really understanding that the journey to get there can make all the difference in the world.

What Makes a Collaborative Divorce So Different?

Renee Fagan — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:33:13 +0000

I recently participated in a 5-way meeting with a couple who have retained me as their neutral divorce coach ( the husband, wife, respective attorneys and myself.) At the beginning of the meeting each attorney met with their client and I also had the opportunity to meet with each attorney and client to get an update as to what some of the issues of the meeting were going to be as well as to be able to take the “emotional temperature” of the couple. This particular couple is not on the same page regarding the divorce. He badly wants it; she does not but understands that, after a noteworthy attempt at couples therapy, their marriage truly is over.

Just some initial observations as to why this divorce process is so special:

This was a round-table discussion; it clearly wasn’t “I’ll have my lawyer speak to your lawyer” and ka-ching the bill just went up a few hundred dollars. Have that happen a few times and it’s quite a few thousand dollars.
When discussions became heated, as the divorce coach who had a good handle on the emotional issues that were being presented (as well as the ones that were flowing under the surface), I was able to re-frame and help each individual really speak about what they TRULY cared about.
Neither husband nor wife felt attacked or fearful of the “opposing lawyer” because there is none. Each lawyer is invested in the process of helping their clients come out of this traumatic experience emotionally intact.
There were refreshments at the meeting. It is not unusual for these discussions to take place over coffee, sandwiches, or pizza. Again, it’s a difficult junction in anyone’s life; just not nauseating.
Everyone in the process is mindful of the expenses involved. Although there are some expenses (like a divorce coach) that initially seem superfluous, the coaches are able to move the process over the really bumpy areas that could stall the talks and create A LOT more expense.
When issues came up regarding the childrens’ needs, such as creating a parenting plan or telling the children about the impending divorce, everyone was invested in making this as smooth a transition as possible for them. The children are regarded as the number one priority. In this case, we decided to include a child specialist as the “voice of the children” in the process to help guide the team further as to how we need to plan for them.
These are attorneys who care about the emotional well being of the family but who also know their limitations in this area and are comfortable and welcoming of mental health professionals.

This couple is in very good hands. They will each come out of this process feeling heard; not black and blue, bitter or defeated. Perhaps they will have experienced, for the first time, a new way of working with each other. And they probably will both be able to show up and dance at their children’s’ weddings 10 years down the road because of how they walked through this process, apart yet together.

How Do I Know If I’m Grieving?

Renee Fagan — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:32:45 +0000

Loss is a huge subject. It can be experienced as the loss of a person, the loss of a dream, even the loss of finances. Each loss, in itself could be the subject of many blogs but here are some simple guidelines to keep in mind for yourself or someone that you care about.

There are three major stages of grief and loss

shock and denial
anger or depression
acceptance

Over the course of time, a person will move towards acceptance and begin to construct new stages in their life. Sometimes the response to grieve can go beneath the surface and a person can be grieving and not even being aware that they still are. Although there is no “right” amount of time for a person to grieve if a person seems to be “stuck” in one stage for an overly long time, it may be time to reach out to a professional so as not to carry this burden alone.

Here are some questions to consider: In the past month have you:

had trouble sleeping?
lost or gained weight?
felt more tired than usual?
had trouble concentrating?
felt irritable or edgy?
found yourself thinking about suicide?
felt out of control?
lost interest in food or begun overeating?
begun drinking more or taking drugs to handle stress?
1gotten angry in ways that surprised you?
had a series of minor injuries or accidents?
felt unusually isolated or that you have no one to turn to?
felt sad but didn’t know why?
felt less efficient in major areas of your life?
had trouble getting things done?
felt unusually fearful?
felt like you were “coming apart?”
lost interest in sex?
cried at surprising times and places?
felt clumsy or physically slow?
felt more forgetful than usual?

The more questions you are saying yes to, the more likely it is that you are experiencing a loss of significance and are in grief.

If you answered yes to questions 6, 7, 9, or 17 you need to reach out to a professional to help you find your way.

Why Did They Wait so Long?

Renee Fagan — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:00:29 +0000

A question lots of Therapists ask…

Invariably, this is the question that therapists ask most often when they are in the throws of a difficult marital counseling session. The scenario is two chronological adults who are burned out. They’re frustrated with each other, they’re filled with righteous indignation, they’re positive they know what the other spouse is thinking, what they’re going to say, Each one, in their own way is looking to win the therapist over; “Ya see, this is exactly what I’m talking about that he/she does… don’t you see it too?”

More often than not, the problem at hand has been there for a long time, sometimes even prior to being married. One or both felt the sting a long time ago, but thought it would go away or, that they were making too much of it. Or, “all couples have problems, this is ours.” Sometimes other people get “triangulated” into the scenario, maybe other relatives or trusted friends, the emotional hurts are brought to someone else who may or may not be a good ear or may have a well-meaning but biased viewpoint. And what was initially poor communication that became bad habits has now become an ENORMOUS pink elephant in the room that is trampling the heart and souls of everyone in its path, especially the children.

So, why do people wait so long? Why are we so unwilling to take seriously our upsets, the things that pain us, the things that feel wrong? Sometimes it’s lowered expectations; can we dare to be happier than our parents were in their way-less-than-perfect marriages? Or maybe it’s denial. It’s the boogey-man under the bed – if you don’t look at it, it’s just not there. Or, if we call a therapist, there’s something really wrong.

But the heart of the matter is this; what we resist, persists. I don’t know one therapist who hasn’t had that heart-felt sadness of working with a couple that is up to their eyebrows in dysfunctional behavior and wondering how they could have better helped if only they had been able to help sooner. The trenches of repetitive behavior run very deep. If only someone had taken their personal misery seriously enough to say “we need some help.” And, worse yet, how distressing it is to listen to the children who grow up in these homes, who learn from the adult role models around them, how not to take good care of themselves.

As therapists, we try to hold an optimistic stance but there is a tipping point when too much has gone wrong, where the good in the relationship has been eroded, the trust and mutual respect are gone and all that’s left is the “business” of marriage, not the relationship. There is a too late.

I’m Thinking About Seeing a Therapist: What Do I Do?

Renee Fagan — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:58:30 +0000

There are a lot of big decisions in a person’s life. I would say that deciding to see a therapist for the first time is right up there as one of the most significant and perhaps anxiety-provoking decisions a person can make It’s a challenge to have to surrender to the notion that you’re at a time in your life when you know you don’t have all the answers; maybe you don’t even know what the right questions are. You just know that life isn’t working so well or a significant relationship is riddled with problems. Maybe someone like your doctor or child’s teacher or co-worker has suggested that you might need to “talk to someone.” Or maybe, you’ve thought about talking to someone for a really long time but put it off as frivolous and not really THAT necessary…

So, you finally swallow your pride and tell yourself that you’re not really crazy and you’re going to do it. Now what?

You’re not crazy, not at all. The fact that you have the insight to be open to the possibility that you can navigate through life “better” is sanity at its best.
Sometimes word-of-mouth is a good starting point. Your doctor or good friend might know of a good therapist who they feel comfortable with you seeing.
If that isn’t the case, more and more therapists are establishing a web presence. Read what therapists have posted to get a sense of who they are and the kinds of people they work with.

Make the phone call. That can often be the hardest part- the verbal admission that “I need help.”

There are 2 crucial points I’d like to make at this junction. One is, that it’s really ok to ask the therapist about their experience, their credentials, how long they’ve been in practice, their business policies, their fee, if and how they work with insurance companies. Ask away.

The second point is that no matter high highly recommended someone is, no matter skilled they are, the “feeling” of talking to that person needs to feel right. Not everyone is supposed to work with everyone. In a therapeutic relationship there are times when difficult feelings will come up; feelings that challenge the therapeutic relationship as well as feelings that are just really very difficult to face up to. So when those times do come up, you want to know that your therapist is someone you can feel safe with, that you can trust, and has your back.